Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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