I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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