you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
