Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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