next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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