My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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