if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
