I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
