you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
