i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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