mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize