I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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