let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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