Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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