Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
