I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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