When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
