I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
