i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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