god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
