You really coming over, don't trick.
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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