I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
