Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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