new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
