nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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