eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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