worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
