I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
