she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
