If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
