i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
