girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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