I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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