My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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