Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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