I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
