I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
