I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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