I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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