Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
