dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
