You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
