Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
In other news, I just burned my penis
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
