and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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