I bet he comes in French.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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