I hate all girls vehemently.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
