you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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