My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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