well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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