Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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