My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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