I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
