I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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