i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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