I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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