1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
my being single is dangerous.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
