I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize