my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize