i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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